I don’t know what has been up with me this Winter. Winters are always hard, with their cold and gloominess, the long days spent in darkness in the mornings and when you come home at the end of the day. I always struggle during Winter and run out of energy and passion, even for the things that normally make me feel alive.
But this winter I have been even more negative than usual and I haven’t been able to feel enthusiastic about the things that normally make me feel excited. University is getting a bit old and the lectures, which has always been my favourite part of Uni experience has become a thing I just need to overcome, even when they are interesting. I have struggled to find essay topics engaging, even those in research areas that used to make me feel giddy with excitement. Bad health has meant that I haven’t had much energy at home either to do any photo projects or write on my novel (in those sadly few periods when I actually have the time).
Last year when I moved to London, everything was new and exciting. Those ten months was one long journey. Even though I was living in the city and not simply passing through, every day experiences like getting up in the morning, going to the library and lessons or taking the tube to a lecture at a gallery felt like completely new experiences every day. They felt new because I was in a different place from home and was learning to live a different life in a big city, getting to know new friends and places that started to mean something to me. At the time, those thing’s hadn’t yet stated to feel old or worn. But it’s been 1 and a ½ year since I first moved to England. Those early days and the excitement of them are starting to fade.
For months I have been so focused on all the things that is lacking in my life, all those things I don’t have: A WC1 London postcode, a spacious kitchen, weekends and evenings of complete freedom without the burden of studying, a budget that would allow travelling once in a while; weekend trips to Paris or a cottage in Cotswolds, a road trip up North to Scotland. All those kinds of modest luxury in life that makes me able to look forward to something other than student loan guilt, looming postgraduate unenmployment and yet another difficult, time consuming essay that will turn me into World’s Worst Girlfriend.
But focusing on all of the things I don’t have has meant that I have completely overlooked all the good things in my life:
I have the most thoughtful, supportive boyfriend, who picks me up at the station after a late lecture even though he has to get up early in the morning, because he knows I feel tired and ill. And who even hugs me when I growl at him over the stress of my essay deadlines.
I have a family who is still always there for me, despite the distance and friends in both countries who are always ready to make time to see me, especially when I need it the most.
I get to have a life between two countries, giving me the best of both and I always have the next visit from my family to look forward to and more new experiences in London.
Even though I don’t have money to go away on holiday, I have money to fill my bookshelves with books that will take me on journeys to foreign countries and lives that aren’t mine.
I have all my memories from last year and I will carry them with me for the rest of my life. Even though I no longer go to UCL and live in Bloomsbury in the same house as my friends, those experiences have still been mine and will always be with me.
And most importantly, I have dreams for a future I haven’t reached yet but which will be mine if I just keep dreaming, writing and working hard.
January has passed now and Winter will be over before I know it. I have my birthday to look forward to at the beginning of March and with that comes Spring, my favourite season of the year, when the Daffodils, Crocus, Buttercup and Cherry Blossoms are blooming. The light, the flowers and the sun will come back, with the promise of more adventures outside and a Summer spent here, at home and in Sweden. With my family, my friends and my boyfriend. And I can blog about it all, right here.
So really, don’t I already have everything? *