I can’t believe it’s April already and that this is the first thing I have posted this year. The first thing in fact since November, where work in the bookshop speeded up.
After I recovered from the craziness of the shop during Christmas and everything calmed down a bit in January, I decided to focus more on getting back to writing and working on my photo projects, as well as spending more time actually reading the books I buy, rather than spending it composing photos and putting up posts of them on Instagram. So while my website and social media feeds haven’t been brimming with new updates, my life has been full in a different way and most of March went by in a blur of work, some much appreciated overtime, photography and a week’s holiday in Denmark with my family, which I have just come back from.
Most of last year was like that really. I had so many new and fantastic experiences and I wanted to write about them all and show you all the photos I took from them but I just never got around to it because one event followed the next. I preferred to savour those moments when I was in them, rather than stressing about sharing what I had just experienced in the moment that went before and while I would have liked to post a lot more, I don’t regret taking time to just be in whatever I was doing.
There are things I really want to work on this year, one of which is to post more often and consistently but I also don’t want it to be at the expense of the other goals I have. For most of last year I felt frustrated and held back creatively and a part of me has finally realised that what held me back more than anything wasn’t lack of time, money, discipline or commitment, but a fear of failure, of not being ready or good enough to take the next step or of screwing up what I wanted to set out to do. I even started worrying about perfecting blog posts to a point that I half-wrote so many but never posted most of them.
So while it’s a bit past that time of year to be making New Year’s resolutions and even though I don’t believe in them anyway, I still want to promise myself to be less scared this year, to go for things more even if I feel unsure or lost about how to go about it. It’s like Rebecca Solnit writes in ‘A Field Guide to Getting Lost’:
Certainly for artists of all stripes, the unknown, the idea or the form or the tale that has not yet arrived, is what must be found. It is the job of the artists to open doors, and invite in prophesies, the unknown, the unfamiliar; it’s where their work comes from, although its arrival signals the beginning of the long disciplined process of making it their own.